Why we should ignore our kids

I learned dance in a cafeteria. I was in high school at the time and had joined our school's Colorguard, which was like baton-twirlers on steroids. We danced with flags, sabres, rifles and whatever else could spin, but we also learned modern dance (which is now really called contemporary) to a moderate level. Because of our practice weapons, we needed space with high ceilings, and because we weren't as popular as the cheer squad, we got the cafeteria.

You can guess that our cafeteria didn't have the wonderful full-wall mirrors most dance studios have, so as we learned dance, we learned how it felt on our bodies. We learned how our muscles responded to off-balanced or sickled positions. When asked to extend further, we felt what that meant and pulled from within. We, or at least I, were very in-tuned with our bodies and could adjust things according to how we felt, not how we looked.

When I started college and began taking real dance classes in the studio, I was suddenly in front of myself every lesson and began watching how that person danced. The result was that I began dancing out there and lost touch with how it felt within. In a sense, I began dancing to perform, even for myself, rather than dancing for the love of dance. Looking back, although I was a better dancer as a result of the years of classes, I really had much more fun and enjoyed the movement more in the cafeteria.

In a way, I feel like we're doing this to our kids when we give them so much attention and praise for menial things. If left alone, they'll explore their world, come up with novel and creative ideas, do things because they're self-motivated and interested in challenging themselves. They'll dance in the cafeteria. But when our kiddo runs up to us with a scribble on a scrap paper and we exclaim how wonderful it is, first we're not encouraging them to do better, and second we're helping establish in their minds that they need to do things for external approval. They'll start dancing for the mirror instead of for themselves.

If you haven't heard of it, check out Muffy Mead's book, Confessions of a Slacker Mom. She has a great, amusing chapter about this idea. She even suggests not attending every soccer, swim and dance competition your kids participate in, with the thought that they might realize who they're doing these things for. I remember when I was in Colorguard, my folks would only come to the competitions down the street from our house. Despite their apparent lack of interest, I always felt completely supported in my ventures and really learned to find out what interested me and go do it! I was ignored quite often as the 5th of 6 kids and I think that is a large part of what turned me into the self-motivated doer I am today.

So go ahead, ignore your kids a bit! You'll be doing them a favor.