Friday, June 12, 2015
Today, arriving in this foreign land, my feelings were jumbled. We were all exhausted from the long plane trip with little sleep, a bit culture-shocked from this new land, although that didn't come until later in the day, and more of a "what's next" feeling than anything else. We are here and are staying for a while.
It's 9:40 pm and the day is still pretty light. The street has come alive with voices ringing out loudly from every window in the neighboring buildings. Children are playing, friends are greeting each other, neighbors are chatting. My house is quiet. The kids are sleeping, their nanny is processing her own experiences, I am ready to close my eyes. Strange.
I am glad to have made this happen, very lucky to have had all the details worked out with so much family support to lean on. But I miss the man I left. Every day will be filled with new sounds, tastes, smells and sights, filling my thoughts and memories. But each day I will miss the man I love. Ah well. Such is life.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Life is a journey, yes? A process, with a million decisions that each can take us down a varying path. Is there one way to travel? One path to search out and distinguish amongst the myriad of choices at our hand?
If that is so, how do we know when we've found it?
And what if we never find it? Our calling, our destiny, our fate, never realized because we couldn't get hold of the right color in this tangled mess of choices?
Perhaps. But perhaps not.
What if the journey, the process was more like wading in a river, heading upstream.
We wade with a goal and determination, heading upwards, progressing forward. If we stop or let our gaze be distracted, we regress and find ourselves looking at the same landscape we'd just escaped, having to face the same struggles we thought we were past.
Our feet tangle in plenty. Organic growth, naturally a part of the earth that we journey through, can easily become a snare if we have no awareness of the beautiful design of the natural world. Pollutants of man that can tear and scar our feet, stain our skin, threaten our very breath, lie in wait in the waters of life. Sand bars that rise us up unexpectedly, and deep holes that drop us beneath the surface of the waters can come without warning.
Every step is an act of faith. A step into the unknown. We trust in...what?
We trust in God to guide us through? To a degree yes, but we all know that regardless of our faith, there are pitfalls that are unavoidable. Bad things happen even (and perhaps especially?) to those of deep faith. I trust in God to give me strength to endure what is to come. To make good decisions that help me continue in my progress forward. To keep my eyes open, aware but not distracted.
We trust in the past to make us conscious of and expectant of the things that could be in store for the future? To a large degree, I think this is so. We cannot predict the unpredictable, but we can learn to recognize patterns, signals, warning signs of impending disaster and use this knowledge to make our journey less painful.
We trust in our instinct. The feeling that tells us, without reason, to not step there. To pause. To move four paces over.
All of this is an attempt for me to say why I, why we--my Love and I--have chosen to journey together rather than keep the distance that we had decided on before. From time to time, I adopt the Tangled Yarn philosophy, searching for the Right path, the way that will bring me into my destiny. Into the will of God. Our separation was a bit of that. I had sensed that there was a lesson in waiting that I was supposed to learn and hadn't quite gotten ahold of. When news of the Lie came, I felt like this was God's payback, so to speak--well, dear, you didn't want to listen to Me when it would have been easy, so now you have the pleasure of discovering patience and perseverance in the most difficult of ways. If I could grab that string and follow it for it's length, perhaps it would lead me to whatever that thing was I was supposed to have gotten...
We had a Month Of Silence that was interesting and impossible--a sort of quasi-separation that introduced a hundred strange things. It was so, so, so sad and lonely for a while, knowing that he loved me and desired me and I him as equally and intensely, and choosing to not engage. We each were determined to keep silent and disconnected completely and were successful...for a few days' stretch at a time. A brief, "I miss you," and an avalanche of carefully balanced emotions would come crashing down, weakening my resolve and seemingly forcing out a cry for his hand to touch mine. Just hold me for five minutes, and then I'll disappear again. Let your lips rest on mine, tasting my tears, just once and I'll go. And oh, the tears! They were never far from my cheeks, falling night after night in an unceasing flow of sorrow. Even when the sorrow was gone, the tears emerged on the slightest provocation, reminding me that my heart was still engaged.
It was upon the third encounter with this man that I love that I realized what unhealthy habits we were creating. The hyper-dramatic state of being I was neck-deep in. The desperation each time we were together. The overly-inflated ideal of what the future could hold if we could just control x, y and z. The focus so fully on recreating a foundation for that potential future, that we forgot about the present. Or I forgot. Strange. Odd. So unlike how I live my life.
There were and still are many good reasons to stay apart, and they are very valid. But to reap any benefit from the separation, it would have to be complete, with no nothing. No hope to be together someday. No waiting for the other. No calling, texting, FBing, IMing, anything-ing. No stalking profiles. No playing at other-frequented parks. No phantom drive-bys...(should probably stop my confessions before I scare everyone!). No quasi-separation.
But we chose a different route. We chose to stop running from the mistakes we've made and turn to kiss them. To stop trying to control the unknown variables in this complex equation and let them be. To stop planning for the potentially glorious future and collect experiences that draw us together. To live a bit of the Life Magazine credo: “To see things thousands of miles away, things hidden behind walls and within rooms, things dangerous to come to, to draw closer, to see and be amazed.”
We chose to wade in the water, forgoing the desperate search to find the "right" path, and allowing ourselves the freedom that comes with maneuvering in the flow of Life.
There's always much more to tell, to share, to discuss, but it is once again late and I am once again tired. Perhaps I will find a window to pleasure you with the details of my romance, or frustrate you with the details of my decisions, but for now, I will leave you with a beautiful picture of the wonderful, fulfilling, deeply touching, spiritually uplifting, inspiring, desirous Love that I have with a most amazing man.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Algalita recently completed a 13 week effort to raise awareness of the plastic gyres by sailing the JUNKRAFT, made from plastic bottles, from Long Beach to Hawaii. Their journey is sad but important for us to see the devastating effects our plastic usage has on our environment.
My friend Erica emailed this morning asking what we've done to reduce the plastics in our house, and I figured this was as good a place as any to post my list. I started with my plastic tupperware. IKEA has some inexpensive glass storage containers that have a sealing ring, so you can use them for storage and for reheating. Pyrex sells sets that have plastic lids and glass bottoms that my folks purchased for me and my siblings, which are good for storage, but I don't like to heat the lids (looks like Sears has a 10-piece set for $15). Anyway, I've been able to eliminate all my plastic tupperware so far.
This year, we decided to purchase the stainless steel water bottles to replace ALL our plastic cups. Somehow, we still have a few cups lingering, but it works for when we have company over. The kids primarily use the stainless steel ones, which we bought at Target (pretty pricey, but worth it), as do I. We also wanted to change their dinnerware, and so I found wooden bowls to replace their plastics and bought mango-wood plates from Cost Plus for their plates. We switched their silverware from almost all plastics to these cute little IKEA toy metal cutlery ($5 for set of 4).
We also have switched to canvas bags for groceries (even when we go to Target--people look at us funny, but I look at them funny right back!). My sister Tami found a great use for all those plastic bags you have piled up in your storage thing--she folded then ironed the bags then sewed them together to make her own waterproof material that she then used to cover her children's highchairs! Nice one! A friend of mine recently used the same technique to make a very cute reusable grocery bag! I've even seen plastic bags made into yarn then used in knitting or crochetting things like waterbottle holders and handbags. Check out this website for some great ideas and nice photos! I love the raincoat!
So, although I've taken some steps to eliminate plastic usage from our house, this news about the plastic sea that we've created is definitely making me rethink everything else we use that is plastic--namely, plastic packaging from groceries. I've heavily been leaning toward the local is better idea for food purchases, and now have another reason for that--buying local usually means buying less packaging because the food doesn't need to be strongly protected from travel and so can be in a more bulk-style delivery. When I go to farmers markets, I think I'll start bringing my own bags so I don't bring home any more plastic bags. That'll probably mean having to store leftovers in leftover containers instead of baggies, but I can adjust. The only question I have is what to store my bread in. Ideas?
Monday, May 11, 2009
And here's what we got:
This was Shaenee's. She said they were ant eggs on a log. She really just wanted to get gooey with all that glue and paint!
This was Siena's. She probably didn't get the "bug" idea...She did, however, enjoy filling three of these eggs with glue and paint and very carefully mixing each and closing them. Meditative, perhaps?
And mine. We had a lot of fun. I had more things planned, but the kids enjoyed this so much (and took so long doing it) that we just kept to this. If you're curious what my "lesson plan" was, here's what I had lined up:
Read: Bug Safari by Bob Barner
Read: Animals in Action (an old but excellent science book) from A Child's First Library of Learning
Sing: The ants go marching
Sing: Head, thorax, abdomen, legs (head shoulders knees toes)
Play: Ants in a line (follow the leader)
Art: Make a bug
Activity: Go outside and catch a bug. Research what kind, what it eats, what its habitat is, and try to create a habitat in a glass jar to keep the bug.
Snack: Ants on a log (celery w/peanut butter and raisins)
We've also in the past done a snack bug where we set out marshmallows or strawberries for the body and all kids of stick-type snacks (like crunchy chow mein noodles) and eyeball-type snacks (like raisins). The kids LOVE this snack/activity and it is a great time filler!