Life is a journey, yes? A process, with a million decisions that each can take us down a varying path. Is there one way to travel? One path to search out and distinguish amongst the myriad of choices at our hand? If that is so, how do we know when we've found it?
And what if we never find it? Our calling, our destiny, our fate, never realized because we couldn't get hold of the right color in this tangled mess of choices?
Perhaps. But perhaps not.
What if the journey, the process was more like wading in a river, heading upstream.
We wade with a goal and determination, heading upwards, progressing forward. If we stop or let our gaze be distracted, we regress and find ourselves looking at the same landscape we'd just escaped, having to face the same struggles we thought we were past.
Our feet tangle in plenty. Organic growth, naturally a part of the earth that we journey through, can easily become a snare if we have no awareness of the beautiful design of the natural world. Pollutants of man that can tear and scar our feet, stain our skin, threaten our very breath, lie in wait in the waters of life. Sand bars that rise us up unexpectedly, and deep holes that drop us beneath the surface of the waters can come without warning.
Every step is an act of faith. A step into the unknown. We trust in...what?
We trust in God to guide us through? To a degree yes, but we all know that regardless of our faith, there are pitfalls that are unavoidable. Bad things happen even (and perhaps especially?) to those of deep faith. I trust in God to give me strength to endure what is to come. To make good decisions that help me continue in my progress forward. To keep my eyes open, aware but not distracted.
We trust in the past to make us conscious of and expectant of the things that could be in store for the future? To a large degree, I think this is so. We cannot predict the unpredictable, but we can learn to recognize patterns, signals, warning signs of impending disaster and use this knowledge to make our journey less painful.
We trust in our instinct. The feeling that tells us, without reason, to not step there. To pause. To move four paces over.
All of this is an attempt for me to say why I, why we--my Love and I--have chosen to journey together rather than keep the distance that we had decided on before. From time to time, I adopt the Tangled Yarn philosophy, searching for the Right path, the way that will bring me into my destiny. Into the will of God. Our separation was a bit of that. I had sensed that there was a lesson in waiting that I was supposed to learn and hadn't quite gotten ahold of. When news of the Lie came, I felt like this was God's payback, so to speak--well, dear, you didn't want to listen to Me when it would have been easy, so now you have the pleasure of discovering patience and perseverance in the most difficult of ways. If I could grab that string and follow it for it's length, perhaps it would lead me to whatever that thing was I was supposed to have gotten...
We had a Month Of Silence that was interesting and impossible--a sort of quasi-separation that introduced a hundred strange things. It was so, so, so sad and lonely for a while, knowing that he loved me and desired me and I him as equally and intensely, and choosing to not engage. We each were determined to keep silent and disconnected completely and were successful...for a few days' stretch at a time.
A brief, "I miss you," and an avalanche of carefully balanced emotions would come crashing down, weakening my resolve and seemingly forcing out a cry for his hand to touch mine. Just hold me for five minutes, and then I'll disappear again. Let your lips rest on mine, tasting my tears, just once and I'll go. And oh, the tears! They were never far from my cheeks, falling night after night in an unceasing flow of sorrow. Even when the sorrow was gone, the tears emerged on the slightest provocation, reminding me that my heart was still engaged.
It was upon the third encounter with this man that I love that I realized what unhealthy habits we were creating. The hyper-dramatic state of being I was neck-deep in. The desperation each time we were together. The overly-inflated ideal of what the future could hold if we could just control x, y and z. The focus so fully on recreating a foundation for that potential future, that we forgot about the present. Or I forgot. Strange. Odd. So unlike how I live my life.
There were and still are many good reasons to stay apart, and they are very valid. But to reap any benefit from the separation, it would have to be complete, with no nothing. No hope to be together someday. No waiting for the other. No calling, texting, FBing, IMing, anything-ing. No stalking profiles. No playing at other-frequented parks. No phantom drive-bys...(should probably stop my confessions before I scare everyone!). No quasi-separation.
But we chose a different route. We chose to stop running from the mistakes we've made and turn to kiss them. To stop trying to control the unknown variables in this complex equation and let them be. To stop planning for the potentially glorious future and collect experiences that draw us together. To live a bit of the Life Magazine credo: “To see things thousands of miles away, things hidden behind walls and within rooms, things dangerous to come to, to draw closer, to see and be amazed.”
We chose to wade in the water, forgoing the desperate search to find the "right" path, and allowing ourselves the freedom that comes with maneuvering in the flow of Life.
There's always much more to tell, to share, to discuss, but it is once again late and I am once again tired. Perhaps I will find a window to pleasure you with the details of my romance, or frustrate you with the details of my decisions, but for now, I will leave you with a beautiful picture of the wonderful, fulfilling, deeply touching, spiritually uplifting, inspiring, desirous Love that I have with a most amazing man.
